on the verge..

something has been gnawing at me, and i couldn't put my finger on it until this morning. i felt it creep up on me at night, during diaper changes when M's feet fling into the air and into his hands, i felt it during bath times and when i folded up his too small 3-6 month clothing, still once in a while forcing on a onesie thats just a little too tight. M is almost 7 months old.. days away from it, actually. he is closer to a year than he is to a zero and thats the first time, and thats hitting me, hard. im taking every second to live in the moment because damn, i am in such a sweet spot. naps suck, nights are hard, but i have this cuddly, soft rolls, bright-eyed, happy, laughing baby. he can't get up yet. when his naps are done and i go into his room to pick him up from his crib, his head lifts to look at who's coming from the door, his little stubby arms raise and pump in the air. he wants to get up, and he can't. and i can get him up, i can hold him, even if maybe he doesn't always want to be held. i can hold him in my arms and i can rock him for hours because he can't get up and leave me just yet. im on the verge of a toddler, im on the verge of a crawler, im on the verge of a little boy who won't want to rock with me for hours, who will turn away, walk away.
its hitting me today. he slept in our bed this morning, we brought him in at 4 and i nursed him beside me. i opened my eyes at 6 and there he was, still on my boob, sleeping as peacefully as can be. i stared at him, my little baby. little. baby. i couldn't sleep after that. how long will he be so comforted by me - by nursing? yes, i will always be his mom and lord knows i still need our mom almost 32 years later.. but i can see it. i can see moments of this little boy. and it excites me to no end but it scares me all the same. i don't know how to be a mom to a toddler. i don't know how to, patiently and calmly, deal with tantrums. i get work done because i can put M on a mat and work next to him, turning every few minutes to smile or sing to him. but he can't get up. he can't walk to a chair and try to crawl on it. he can't tell me he's bored. he can't tell me to stop working.
its funny how, the point of having a child, really, is to see them grow. that is success. we will all fuck up, in the end. we will do something that's not right, we will be punished for it, we will fight and we will cry. but the success is in the growth. the parents that should be celebrated aren't the ones with the 1-week old, they are the ones with the 50 year old. the one's who succeeded. they survived, sometimes they even thrived. this is our goal. its to take in every minute, every smile and every tear, its to figure it out as you go along, its to let them teach us what the hell to do, because we will always be a new parent. always. i will never stop being a new parent. every phase is new to me, every day brings a new lesson. i relish it and i fight it, because i know i will miss it. and sometimes i want to freeze time, and i hate myself for even thinking that, because my goal as a parent, as M's mom, is to watch him become his own person, who doesn't need to be rocked for hours by me, who will turn, and walk away..
im not sure what i can take from these feelings but this - its all a phase. you, me, our boys. everything is temporary and everything is permanent. the stakes are high but the stakes change daily. what worked one day might not the next. what made him smile today might make him whine tomorrow. we will always be new parents trying to figure it out.
i only hope that i can dive into every stage, every day, with an open heart, looking forward, unable and unwanting to freeze time.