on the verge..

something has been gnawing at me, and i couldn't put my finger on it until this morning. i felt it creep up on me at night, during diaper changes when M's feet fling into the air and into his hands, i felt it during bath times and when i folded up his too small 3-6 month clothing, still once in a while forcing on a onesie thats just a little too tight. M is almost 7 months old.. days away from it, actually. he is closer to a year than he is to a zero and thats the first time, and thats hitting me, hard. im taking every second to live in the moment because damn, i am in such a sweet spot. naps suck, nights are hard, but i have this cuddly, soft rolls, bright-eyed, happy, laughing baby. he can't get up yet. when his naps are done and i go into his room to pick him up from his crib, his head lifts to look at who's coming from the door, his little stubby arms raise and pump in the air. he wants to get up, and he can't. and i can get him up, i can hold him, even if maybe he doesn't always want to be held. i can hold him in my arms and i can rock him for hours because he can't get up and leave me just yet. im on the verge of a toddler, im on the verge of a crawler, im on the verge of a little boy who won't want to rock with me for hours, who will turn away, walk away.
its hitting me today. he slept in our bed this morning, we brought him in at 4 and i nursed him beside me. i opened my eyes at 6 and there he was, still on my boob, sleeping as peacefully as can be. i stared at him, my little baby. little. baby. i couldn't sleep after that. how long will he be so comforted by me - by nursing? yes, i will always be his mom and lord knows i still need our mom almost 32 years later.. but i can see it. i can see moments of this little boy. and it excites me to no end but it scares me all the same. i don't know how to be a mom to a toddler. i don't know how to, patiently and calmly, deal with tantrums. i get work done because i can put M on a mat and work next to him, turning every few minutes to smile or sing to him. but he can't get up. he can't walk to a chair and try to crawl on it. he can't tell me he's bored. he can't tell me to stop working.
its funny how, the point of having a child, really, is to see them grow. that is success. we will all fuck up, in the end. we will do something that's not right, we will be punished for it, we will fight and we will cry. but the success is in the growth. the parents that should be celebrated aren't the ones with the 1-week old, they are the ones with the 50 year old. the one's who succeeded. they survived, sometimes they even thrived. this is our goal. its to take in every minute, every smile and every tear, its to figure it out as you go along, its to let them teach us what the hell to do, because we will always be a new parent. always. i will never stop being a new parent. every phase is new to me, every day brings a new lesson. i relish it and i fight it, because i know i will miss it. and sometimes i want to freeze time, and i hate myself for even thinking that, because my goal as a parent, as M's mom, is to watch him become his own person, who doesn't need to be rocked for hours by me, who will turn, and walk away..
im not sure what i can take from these feelings but this - its all a phase. you, me, our boys. everything is temporary and everything is permanent. the stakes are high but the stakes change daily. what worked one day might not the next. what made him smile today might make him whine tomorrow. we will always be new parents trying to figure it out.
i only hope that i can dive into every stage, every day, with an open heart, looking forward, unable and unwanting to freeze time.

In the spending-money-I-dont-have-and-everything-will-be-returned-anyway, I ordered this sweater. Cotton, on sale, and dotted. Again, will probably be returned like everything else. But you know.. this is what happens when you are stuck home for the winter..

In other news.. We tried a very gentle 'sleep training' last night which consisted of planned feedings (12am, 4am) instead if every 2-3 hours as it has been for the last few nights. Louai would get up with the baby and rock him until he calmed down.. Well.. that took far longer than either one of us planned. It would be 30 minutes of rocking, put him down and off he would go again. At 4 when we finally put him in bed with us, he slept LIKE A BABY until 8.. So, here I go again with the internal argument.. I know that most of the world bed-shares.. I also think that of course, why wouldn't your little baby who spent so long in your body, want to sleep nuzzled up to their mama and papa? But I'm not 100% convinced mainly because I don't sleep so well.. which, I guess is the point, you are supposed to sleep lightly when the baby is in bed with you. but as he gets bigger and kicks and moves and turns sideways, Im seeing the little boy in bed with us with a foot in my mouth and a finger in L's eye and it gets me a little nervous..

So ultimately, I don't think there is any right way to do anything. I am always having an internal battle - hence why the baby sleeps with us half the night.. Half of me wants my bed, the other half wants to share it..

Its crazy how you make this amazing baby but the decisions on your parenting start right away.

Oh and don't worry, I didn't buy the shorts..

COLOR

I have decided to listen to you and (gulp) embrace some color.. more importantly, I want to look cute/feminine again. I feel like these months of wearing L's clothing has motivated me to look like a girl.. once in a while at least..
So these are in the mail and I will probably return them all but in my head its a stunning outfit..

Aha! So that's my new outlook -- outfits! I want to put together cute outfits and keep it at that - one day (or, eh, week) instead of the daunting mindset of thinking that this one piece has to fit into the rest of my closet. Because lets face it, mama needs a new (cheap) wardrobe.

Was it you or me that could never remember our rights from our lefts? These would have been perfect..
hmm.. now that I think of it, we probably weren't reading yet.

Hanging on..

As Milo starts to outgrow his 3-6 month clothing, I find myself weepy every time I put one of his onesies on, or my favorite striped pants, but especially these striped pajamas. I don't know what it is about them, but I love the way he looks in them - the way my dream baby would look, in his cozy striped footed jammies. And I have clung to them in a disturbing way. They no longer stock the next size and I couldn't find them anywhere, so I kept putting them on him, stretched, thin and stained. I kept washing them every day. Not wanting to let go to these silly little stripes. So I spent a tipsy night searching everywhere and found a 12-18 month pair on some bizarre website that charges much too much on shipping and in the height of it, exhausted from the frantic search, I bought them, overjoyed.

But then this morning I asked Louai, what the hell am I really doing? Yes, the pajamas are cute, but there are plenty of cute pajamas in this world. I took a long(ish - does 7 minutes count as long?) shower and realized that something about that first 6 months, it was all still so new. And it is new, every day is a new experience. But having a baby under 6 months, well, I was a NEW mom. I was new at this! I had my built in excuse for the flabby tummy, I had my reasons for leaving the house in spandex pants every day, nobody wondered why I didn't call them back. But now I see that all fading, I have a baby but sometimes I see glimmers of my little boy. And it excites me to no end, but it stops me in my tracks. Its going by so quickly and sometimes I want to push a pause button and inhale that sweet scent on the back of his neck and put his soft rolls of baby skin and chub down his arms and legs. I don't want to be a mom that doesn't celebrate the next size up. I want to embrace the next set of stripes. I want to live in the now, with my new baby -- who will always be my new baby (then boy, then young man, then man). I don't have an answer here, or a way to end this, but I know that its something I need to consider.. the fleeting time but the joy in it.

In the meantime.. I look forward to stashing away this set..

boy leggings

I just ordered a pair of these leggings for Milo. Until its warmer out and he can frolick pants-free, I want to see every roll and knee chub and the best way to do that is through some spandex, wouldn't you say?

8.9.2011

do you think mom and dad are right?
im getting ready for work and feeling so unmotivated. i guess being sick doesn't help.. but all i wanna do on this beautiful day is run around with you taking silly pictures, hanging out at the park, reading.. watching you draw. i want L to be able to animate all day and work on his own projects, i want B to be on a boat somewhere.. we can all be on it.. sailing away with mojitos in hand. if there is just one life to live.. and as much as i try to hope for more time, more space, why am i wasting so much of it in a dank cubicle?